Heidilynn's World
I have never considered my lifestyle to be a "fetish". Way back when, my mother sent me to a shrink ( I think was 13 at the time) and she came to me and said, "The doctor says you have a 'fetish'."I had no idea what that word meant, but I just flat didn't like the sound of it. So I raged and told her, "It's NOT a fetish. It's NOT a fetish! You can't pass it off that simply!" And, I have always maintained that to be true, to this very day. At least, in my case. It's true, diapers had a profound effect on me during puberty, as I had my first orgasm while wearing diapers. The thing is, I was "into" diapers long before I reached puberty. I was age 3 or 4 when the beast arrived. However, it did trigger a psycho-sexual link to them and from my teenage years through early adulthood, diapers became the easiest and best way to "get off". Especially, if I found myself between girlfriends. The downside of it was, after orgasm, I found myself overwhelmed with guilt and self-loathing. So, I'd end up throwing any and everything I had related to diapers away. The dreaded purge part of the "binge/purge" cycle so many of us are familiar with. This vicious cycle continued through my 20s and 30s to the point where I couldn't reach orgasm during "vanilla" sex with my wife, or women I was with after my divorce, without having to resort to thinking and fantasizing about the AB side of me. It eventually became a literal "living hell" to have conventional sex or sex of any kind. So I threw up my hands and said, "Enough!"
I have been celibate for going on now 11 years and I've never been happier. AB, big baby girl and happy to remain so.
Cuddles,
--heidilynn
Big baby
11:35 AM Mountain Standard Time on Monday, May 22, 2006
By Scott Davis / 3TV producer
William Windsor may be the biggest baby you've ever seen. At 5-foot-10 and 180 pounds, he is part of a world most of us have never encountered -- adults who dress as babies.
A Google search for "adult babies" yields 20-million results. Many Web sites offer products such as adult-sized onesies and cribs, while others facilitate chat sessions, web boards and even adult baby conferences. Some adult babies just wear diapers under their regular clothes. Others, like Windsor, live this life 24-hours-a-day.
We first encountered William Windsor on his cigarette run to a QuickTrip store in East Phoenix. He told us his alter-ego is a two-and-a-half-year-old girl named Heidi Lynn.
Watch Big baby -- part 1
Michele Clark is an experienced sex therapist with a busy practice in Scottsdale and Fountain Hills. She has not met Windsor but has counseled adult babies in the past. Clarkson says there are a huge variety of reasons someone may develop a fascination for the baby lifestyle, also called Infantilism.
"There's a scripting that occurs in early childhood," she said. "A sexual scripting in all of us. Early behaviors that we learn -- if those behaviors are traumatized then at some point we need to heal from those traumas."
Windsor has trained himself to be incontinent. He uses cloth diapers and plastic pants instead of a conventional toilet.
Clarkson told us wearing diapers is one way traumatized adults begin to heal from past abuses.
"This gentleman identifies himself as Heidi Lynn, who is two-and-a-half," Clarkson said.
"He could have had early trauma to himself, perhaps trauma to his little sister that he witnessed or perhaps his mother loved his little sister and gave her more attention than he got. Or in his diapers and potty-training time perhaps was shamed. Any or all of that could have occurred to him," she said.
Windsor does not acknowledge abuse in his past.
"I was the oldest in the family and I've read a lot of stuff and been told a lot of stuff about alienation kind of things with mom and stuff like that," Windsor said.
"I don't know if that caused it or what. I just liked the way they looked so I tried them on. After I tried them on I liked the way they felt, and I don't really know exactly but I started doing it when I was four-years-old. I was stealing my little sisters pants. I was small enough they were big enough that I could put them on and wear 'em." Then he smiles and laughs, "Course I got in trouble ... my mom knew," he said.
Windsor says his mother is the only family member with whom he still has a relationship.
He also has volunteer "mommies" who periodically provide care for him, including changing diapers and feeding him baby food.
Judy Mello has been doing it for two years and says it is not a sexual attraction.
"It's natural for me. It's my personality, my nurturing personality. When I look [at Windsor] I see Heidi Lynn and I see a baby. She just reminds me of a baby."
Watch Big baby -- part 2
When the two go out in public they endure stares and ugly remarks. Both recognize this is an extreme lifestyle.
Still, Mello says caring for this adult baby makes her happy.
"I think a lot of women have nurturing in them. I guess people would look at it [in a crazy way] but I adore Heidi, I respect Heidi, I care for Heidi. I think Heidi's a very neat person."
Windsor has indeed led an interesting life. After graduating from Arcadia High School in the 1970's, he turned his back on the Valley to seek fame and fortune in New York and Nashville.
Published reports confirm he sang and danced on Broadway, a stint that lasted less than five years.
"I would have liked to have made it in the music business," he said. "But can you imagine a country music star if this came out about 'em? No, I sabotaged myself a lot. I had a lot of talent. I still do, but this is too strong."
These are sentiments that make one wonder if the HeidiLynn getup -- frilly dresses, curly hair in pigtails, a life-sized crib and high chair -- are all an act.
Not so, insists Windsor.
"There's what they call the binge-purge cycle and lot of AB's -- adult babies -- are affected by it for a long time. You'll feel the baby coming on and you want to wear diapers. It just grabs ahold of you. Actually, just you end up buying all the stuff you can afford. I started doing that as soon as I made allowanace at home, eight, nine-years-old."
Watch Big baby -- part 3
Now Windsor goes out in public in the baby clothes without fear.
He says he doesn't even own conventional clothes. He rides the bus or walks many places. The license plate on his car reads Diaper1. And some day you may see Heidi Lynn on stage.
Windsor still dreams of stardom and plans to develop a standup comedy act based on the Heidi Lynn persona.
Therapist Clarkson applauds his courage, and urges everyone to do the same.
"Actually it really is about having tolerance and compassion, and having an understanding that we don't know what happened in that person's background. If he's willing to be who he is, it's like he's celebrating himself. Yes! And how many of us can say that every day walking around, that we celebrate who we are. That's a pretty powerful statement."
© 2007 , KTVK-TV
by Siobhan McAndrew
We read “Harry Potter,” play Twister at parties and wear fuzzy pajamas with feet.
Yet childhood was over years ago.
We’re REJUVENILES, according to a story in The New York Times. We’re an eclectic collection of 18- to 34-year-olds who are embracing the cultural comforts of childhood.
Oh, those happy days of My Pretty Pony, Raggedy Ann and “The Itsy Bitsy Spider” song.
Rejuveniles once again can sleep in Strawberry Shortcake pajamas, now sold in adult sizes at Mervyn’s. Sesame Street T-shirts are back in style. Knee-high socks are coming back.
The Times story points out that Rejuveniles are not “stunted adolescents.” They have “busy lives with adult responsibilities and respectable jobs.”
Others describe this back-to-babyhood boon as Peterpandemonium, Kidults and Adultolescents. They say we are a generation that still likes cartoons, video games and Chipmunks records.
The story cited several reasons why Rejuveniles don’t want to grow up.
“Adulthood has got nothing attractive about it anymore,” said a professor of sociology at the University of Kent at Canterbury in England.
Others said it’s about people seeking comfort in jittery times.
“This is starting to sound like me,” I thought, as I sat at my desk Wednesday afternoon, writing this column and wearing a cute pink barrette bought in the children’s section of a department store.
I’m a Generation X Rejuvenile suffering from Peterpandemonium.
I spend Saturdays with my hair in pigtails.
I’ve played the board game Clue with adult friends.
I went to a dress-up costume party last weekend.
I’ve ridden around town on a scooter.
I own underwear with cartoon characters.
I know who the Teletubbies are. I have a Laa Laa doll.
I had a sleepover party with girlfriends.
I keep glow sticks in my car for fun.
Leaving the grocery store, I’ve put a quarter in a gumball machine that spits out stickers. I’ve put in more quarters until I got the sticker I wanted.
I’ve ordered the kid’s meal at Claim Jumper.
I’ve gotten a Happy Meal for the toy.
I’ve been looking for Hello Kitty merchandise for my adult sister, Molly, who is decorating the bathroom that she shares with an adult roommate with Hello Kitty stuff.
Yesterday, I enjoyed a Welch’s grape soda.
I own a bubble machine.
I am seriously giving way too much thought to this year’s Halloween costume.
Who can blame anyone for wanting to return to the good old days, when Valentine’s Day cards came from everyone in class?
The bubbles I can blow with Bazooka are way better than the ones with Trident White.
I pay extra for the Band-Aids with flowers.
I’d drink Diet Coke from a juice box.
I’ve been to meetings that would benefit from a can of silly string.
Jell-O is cool.
When I am waiting in a doctor’s office, I’ll sometimes do Chinese jump rope with my feet.
“In, out, side-to-side, on ,in, out,” I say to myself.
I still can twirl a baton, do a cartwheel and bend my thumb to my wrist.
I regret never having been able to touch my tongue to my nose.
Flavored toothpaste . . . finally.
I’ve been to the Boomtown Fun Center and cashed in game tickets for a parachute man prize . . . recently.
I’ve been to the roller rink . . . recently.
I miss my dorm room in college, my canopy bed and making macaroni necklaces for my mom.
Cooking made sense with an Easy Bake Oven.
A peanut butter and grape jelly sandwich still can hit the spot.
I like those photo booths where you get a row of four mug shots.
With a straight face, I can order chicken strips, root beer floats and sundaes with sprinkles.
I’m glad the Smurfs, Care Bears and Rainbow Brite are back.
Yeah, yeah, yeah! I have Tony Hawk’s autograph.
I can’t imagine a world where I would prefer eggs Benedict to chocolate chip pancakes with whipped cream.
--Siobhan McAndrew
Reno News-Gazette
[editor's note]: This opinion was taken from Adam Ash's website.
Windsor isn't dressing his way to shock you, or to make you look. It has nothing to do with you. He's dressing that way because he wants to, for his own pleasure. He does it openly, in public, for his mental health, and perhaps, to shock himself.
This is no simple fetish. Because it starts so early in life, it carries a wallop of guilt that makes being gay seem like a picnic. To make it worse, it is also typical that the feelings of shame and humiliation are also eroticised. The complexity is that, therefore, going out in public is both titillating as well as therapeutic. But its not to "make you look". Consider that on top of the guilt is also usually believing you're the only one in the world with this compulsion. A total freak.
This is a long, fascinating, and must-read profile of William Windsor, who is possibly the only “out” adult baby in the world. [ed. note: This is in reference to the Phoenix New Times article "Baby Man". There is a link for it in the upper right hand corner of the page.]
Though there are many questions Mr. Windsor’s lifestyle raises, it’s hard not to wonder whether what he does — what he is — is perverse. After all, the more openly he has lived as an adult baby, the less frequently he seems to have had sexual relations. (He mentions in the article that he’s now been celibate for nine years and that, prior to being celibate, having sex in his diapers made him feel sort of dirty.) His fetish is therefore asexual or perhaps even antisexual. Is it perverse if it’s not libidinal? Or to put the question another way, does sexuality belong to the essence of perversion? Or can something be perverse even if there’s nothing the least bit erotic about it?
On one hand, given that Mr. Windsor’s lifestyle lacks an obvious erotic component, it would be easy to think that he’s not doing anything fundamentally different than an Elvis impersonator. Basically he’s playing dress-up. And when you look at it that way, doesn’t everybody? And yet, on the other hand, there is definitely something extreme about dedicating your entire life to this game of dress-up. If an Elvis impersonator were to go around 24/7 as Elvis, you might think he was crazy. And perhaps it’s precisely that — the completeness of his fetish — that makes Mr. Windsor bizarre. It’s one thing to want to make in a diaper, it’s another thing to consciously reverse your potty-training so that you can’t help but make in a diaper.
And yet, then again, isn’t there something noble and courageous about having the guts to live your life the way you want to live it, no matter how bizarre it may seem to others? If you think you’re courageous for living your “alternative” lifestyle, go read about this guy. It takes some serious balls to live your life as a baby girl.
--Adam Ash
--From PervScan (author unknown)
How many of us are truly original? And how many of us are so original, we're prepared to fling our uniqueness into the face of the universe -- into the most daunting face of all, the face of our actual neighborhood? Meet a new superhero. Baby Man. At 54, William Windsor sleeps in a crib, eats in a high chair and does it in his diaper -- by choice. Believe it.
More thoughts from around the net...
Friday, June 10, 2005
A Real American Hero
All Hail Baby Man!
A snippet:
"The air in William Windsor's apartment has become stagnant, and he's got a fan blowing full blast in his living room to combat the early stages of summer. Unfortunately, he's also got a dirty diaper. The smell of adult feces festering in his shorts is nauseating."
All you crazy kids with your tattoos and pierced nipples, you ain't shit. Baby Man is flying the Freak Flag high, like you never will. Baby Man makes me proud to be an American. If he tried this routine anywhere else, he'd soon be a bloody smear in the village square. As long as Baby Man is walking around in his poo-filled diaper, I know that I live in the land of Liberty!
God Bless You, Baby Man!
(thanks to David G. for the heads up!)
posted by COOP at 6:43 PM
Imagine
A lot of people have written on other sites about
seeing the newsclips about HeidiLynn, and the life he
lives.
For the most part I've read positive things, things
that go something like "way to go" or "you've got to
have some major balls to live like that". Most of
these people have been supportive, as I've said, but
there are also the ones who say things like "this
reflects badly on us AB/DL's". Or, those who say that
they "resent someone taking this out of the closet".
Saying that they think that it being a "taboo" subject
is what makes it fun for them, so they don't like
someone taking it "mainstream".
What a load of bullsh*t!
As I have read in some of his posts, he
has gotten more positive reactions from the "vanilla"
world than from the AB/DL community. To coin a phrase,
I think "this whole thing stinks like yesterday's
diapers".
Imagine, if you will, what it is like to live
as HeidiLynn. What it actually means to "live the
life". It could not have been an easy decision to make. Nor one to be made on the basis of whim or fancy or "fetish".
Imagine, if you will, the first transsexual who
realized that they could no longer live life as a man,
or woman and had the sincere desire to live the real person inside
themselves for the rest of their life. They made a life decision that was
bound to make them a target of derision, scorn, or
just plain disbelief, but they believed in being true
to themselves. When somebody stands out from the
"norm" as HeidiLynn does, it is bound to attract a lot
of attention.
Imagine yourself in a life where you have no adult
clothes, your wardrobe consists only of baby clothes
(male or female, whatever suits you), and you try live a
"normal" life. Meaning, of course, that you have to go
to the post office, store, doctor, etc. dressed as an infant.
What it would be like to walk down the street with
every head turning in your direction. Imagine how difficult it would be to run into the nearest Wal Mart and buy
some Levis and T-shirts, in an attempt to give the whole thing up.
There are those who have said that HeidiLynn is
delusional. But, like a transvestite in a dress who
knows that he looks like a man in a dress, no matter
how much makeup he wears, how cute the clothes or how well he effects a feminine lisp , HeidiLynn knows that nobody
is mistaking him for a cute baby girl. Rather, hopefully, they see him as a man who lives quite a different lifestyle than the rest of us.
I'm not saying that living like HeidiLynn is for
everyone. It's so much easier to go with the
prevailing herd mentality that most go with.
But, I do think that the world is better off for having people like HeidiLynn in it. Brave enough to live their lives as true
to themselves as they can be.
When all is said and done and HeidiLynn moves on to
the great unknown that we all come to in the end, I
know that HeidiLynn will be able to say (in the words
of the immortal Frank Sinatra), "I did it my way".
Eric "the Red"
Abandon all guilt, ye who enter here
Peterpandemonium!