First Steps

Since I first embarked on this interesting journey, I have noticed a marked increase in my recollective powers. It's remarkable, really. Particularly, memories and scenes deep in my infancy. One memory that stands out, is learning how to walk. I'm remembering falling on my ass a lot and crying and helping myself up at the coffee table and trying again. And, the first time I got it right, I leaped into my Grandfather's arms. Wonderful memories! Likewise, I will never forget that feeling of landing on one's own tailbone. Youch! 
Especially in wet and messy pants! Yuck and Youch!

Cuddles,

--heidilynn

The essay on spirituality was not written by Kathi Stringer, but it is featured at her website. It was my first introduction to her work and being a Christian, I found it most enlightening. Though it was not written by Kathi, by her publishing it, she shows how much she cares about the AB community and how much she has to share.

--heidilynn

Heidi's Room

When I first realized that I was not the "only one in the world", it was like the heavens had opened up and I was hearing choruses of angels singing, " Hallelujah! Hallelujah!" To those of you visiting this site, no matter what age group you belong to, I want you to know that you are not alone in this world. You may have personal interests that are at odds with the way current social opinion runs, but that doesn't mean you're weird. Or a freak. Or whatever title they feel it necessary to define you with. You are you. No other one like you. Unique. Special. God bless you.

Cuddles,

--heidilynn

Good News!

“I’m not sure if this is an emotional or spiritual or merely physical thing. Somewhere deep down, I still think this is wrong…and again 'I’m not sure if it is an emotional or spiritual or character flaw?”'

These questions many of us really struggle over. They are important to us, important that we find answers of integrity for us. The following response is from the perspective of an AB rather than someone with a diaper fetish. See 

for a clear summary of the difference. The article deserves careful reading.

--Kathi Stringer

For a true infantilist, diapers have become an object of nurture and comfort because separation anxieties threatened to overwhelm the young child. In response to this threat of being overwhelmed, the young child looks for a solution. It intuitively knows that it needs a greater degree of emotional security than it is currently receiving. This kind of knowing, this innocent wisdom is built in. It is not arrived at by logic or conscious thought processes. A child who is faced with such a problem may arrive at a number of possible solutions. They may, for example, withdraw emotionally thereby experiencing attachment problems with the mother. Or, they may become attached to objects such as diapers that represent the longings for more nurture and love. Such a solution often proves to be at least partially successful in dealing with the child’s anxiety and comfort needs. It therefore, becomes very deeply imbedded in the core of the child’s developing psyche.

The point is, that because the child does not choose the solution in any conscious sense, morality does not enter the equation. It is therefore not a character flaw. It is, what it is. It is the response of an emotionally alive and vulnerable child, using its innate wisdom to do it's very best to come up with a solution to a problem.

Perhaps the child should be congratulated, not criticized.  A Christian might want to ponder the fact that even a baby recognizes its need for love and what that says about the stamp of the Divine on us all.  In the light of that possibility, the response of the young child can be seen as a spiritual response. It is, of course, an emotional response of seeking security. And, as adolescence brings an awakened sexuality, which then becomes paired with the regressive response, it becomes a physical need, as well.  So, succinctly, it becomes an emotional, spiritual and physical awareness. It is all three.

Having established, I hope, that the original 'decision' that settled on diapers as representing a source of security was not a moral choice by the young child and therefore not a character flaw. Rather it is a creative solution that helped the child refuel emotionally.  However you may ask, “Is it's continued existence as an adult, a sign of moral weakness or character flaw or spiritual failure?” The answer you come up with depends on your view to this key question.  “In the normal course of events, are those regressive patterns laid down in early childhood able to be eliminated?”  My personal guess is, that for some individuals, this may be possible. And, for others, apart from a miracle, they cannot be. Each person, he or she, must come to some sort of judgment about that  Only you can know how much you've really tried.

If you've come to the conclusion that this is an integral part of you, these questions must arise: 

• Can one live emotionally, spiritually and physically, with love and integrity, in the face of such a deeply ingrained response? 
   
• Can this unintended disability actually be used for good in your life?” {Perhaps not total good but significant good.}
   
• Can this problem be an invitation for growth in wisdom, compassion, steadfastness, faith, etc etc?”
   
• Does the good news of your faith allow room for God bringing good out of imperfection?
   
• Does your faith allow for imperfect people to walk successfully with their imperfections, with God?

These questions are often difficult for us to answer because:

1. The cultural messages of condemnation of ABs run very deep, making discernment between culturally engendered guilt and that of the Holy Spirit difficult.
2. Some religious traditions have a very weak grace theology and a very strong works theology, which trap people in perpetual guilt because they can never quite live up to their churches teaching. 

So, this journey is not an easy one. At least, it has not been easy for me. I have wrestled with this issue for many-a-year, now. But, my personal experience with God has been, that God is less concerned about whether I wear diapers and enjoy being nursed, as much as God is concerned with how I relate to my wife and others with understanding and love.

I am always seeking to walk with my Lord, even if I must do so with a limp. I know, God still accepts me, loves me and seeks to make me an instrument of the Lord's Peace... Limp and all. Now, THAT is good news!

--Wayne

The only thing I could add to this good news would be, "God don't make no junk!" Amen...

Cuddles,

--heidilynn